Bananas

I have three bananas sitting on my desk at work.

Every day I try to be a good banana girl, but I never make it there. No, that's a lie. I was a good banana girl on Monday and on Tuesday. But then the bananas started getting browner, and I started getting a "frowner" (see what I did there, with the rhyming?), ipso facto, I now have a pile of bananas.

It's the sound they make that deters me. That *bplght bplght bplght* noise. The smackity smack of squishy banana between my mandibles (do I have multiple mandibles?)

Tomorrow, I have four bananas to eat (one for Friday, and three compounded from previous slacking... Le sigh...). I'm pretty sure, on Monday, I'll still have a pile of bananas on my desk.

p.s. I can't type the word "bananas" without singing Gweny-Gwen-Gwen in my head... "B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

New Goal

I'd like to be a cake decorator. I'm going to add it to my improbable life goals.

Puff Puff

It's been some time since I've puffed my own cheeks, so I'm taking this minute to say:

I can run 8km in 38 minutes.

Not bad considering in May I could only run 5km in 29.31 minutes. That's an additional 3km in about 7.5 minutes. Bringing me up to *drum roll* about a 4.5 minute km.

...

Also, I somehow got talked into doing the Santa Shuffle twice on Saturday, before hitting up The One of a Kind Show--New Mommy, if you're still reading this, The One of a Kind Show is literally your mecca. Dear god...

Little Lamby

Could he be any cuter? Fo serious, people. You NEED to be reading CuteOverload. It's a daily smack-in-the-face of cute and redonk. Do eet, people. Dooo eeet!

Robot Tactics

I'd like to discuss the KFC Chicken Bowl.

In a world where most fast food super chains are attempting to put some sort of "healthy" into their ultra unhealthy delectables--low fat wraps, salads, yogurt parfaits, whole grain bread--we need to give props to KFC for keeping it real.

This ultra goodie consists of a plastic bowl stacked with mashed potatoes, gravy, deep fried chicken bits (also known as popcorn chicken), and cheese. Oh, and they put corn in it. All this for only $3.79.

So there's no chance of even trying to hide what they're doing here, right? Clearly, their goal is to impregnate the general populace with trans fat and cholesterol, which in turn will turn into a deadly disease called "blech and ick and sick" that will wipe us all out, making room for the robots, who in turn will take over the universe.

Trust, BSB. I now have advertising proof. KFC is the devil. And the devil's name is Chicken Bowl.

p.s. I'm also convinced KFC is in cahoots with Hot Eats and their chicken strip basket that comes with fried chicken, french fries, RANCH DRESSING, and... toast... wtf?

Saturday Morning

Saturday morning, Peoples. St. Joseph's Church bazaar.

Last year Poo got molested by a fake Santa, and I ate my weight in bacon pierogies. Cabbage rolls, an apple pie baking contest, a bean bag toss, and more mittens knitted by surogate grandmothers than you can shake a stick at. Can you handle it? Or can you handle it?!

Be there or be square. I'll be manning the Penny Sale table from 9:00-11:30. Poo, Big Guy--I expect to see you there after your early morning Flamboro Downs run...

More Random Lies...

I've just finished reading "War and Peace*" for the seventh time**, and it really got me thinking.

The only way I can make my life any better than it is right now is to ramp up Yaris*** with some high quality Canadian Tire neon undercarriage lights, and a giant spoiler****.

It's amazing the wondrously uplifting revelations and complexities of existence Leo Tolstoy will bring to light*****.

* I have yet to read "War and Peace". This is therefore a lie.
** I have yet to read "War and Peace" once, let alone reading it seven times, which would in turn allow me to say that I've just finished reading it for the seventh time. Ipso facto... lie.
*** He's already ramped. Ramped with love. There's no possible way I could ramp him anymore. Moreover, I was lying.
**** Purchasing said undercarriage lights and spoiler from Canadian Tire makes them crap on stick, both because they're undercarriage lights and spoilers, and because they're from Canadian Tire, a.k.a. Crappy Tire. Thus, more lies.
***** Tolstoy's books are some of the most depressing I've ever encountered, outside of anything on Oprah's Book club list and anything centered around the character Eeyore, thus making him neither wondrous nor uplifting. Heretofore, lies.


See what I did there? Hmm? With the lies? Hmm? Did you see it? Did'ja?

Random Lies

Sometimes I wish I had a pair of them jeans that lace up the side, like from the flared ankle all the way up to the uber low waist, spaced just so's my wobbly bits ooze out the slits that extra special bit. I'd wear them with a shredded tiny-t, and the shredded bits would be finished with tiny colored beads. And I'd refer to myself in the third person:

"Library Lady lurrves her fugly jeans."

"Library Lady thinks she looks SHAZAM in her tiny-t."

Sigh.

Terry's Chocolate Orange

Poo and I went to get my custom scent tonight at Ellenoir.

Basically there was this she-woman who was all "I'm a chemist but not a chemist, and I'm all powerful, here smell this" and so I smelled about a thousand tiny viles and divided them into "yums-okay" and "mmm-maybes" and "ew-defs not". And then she smelled what I had put in my "yums-okay" pile and she mixed and she potioned and I came away 2 1/2 hours later smelling like a Terry's Chocolate Orange. Poo said she didn't know if she wanted to smell me or lick me (either way, the most action I've had in months...)

p.s. That's the she-woman in the picture, there...

So now I have me a tiny vile of my own scent that they keep on file forever and ever and I can have anything made with it. So far I have on order, to be picked up on Saturday, one bottle of sea salt scrub and a tin of their shea butter.

I also picked up one of the funniest things I've evah seen, to give to Fingers for Christmas. I'm so excited...

Thanks, Poo. Loved it.

Casino Niagara

Sorry dudes. Waaaaay too tie tie from rolling in at 3:45 this morning from CASINO NIAGARA to write a real post.

Woo to the flippin who.

What didn't I do there? I ran a maze in record time, won my weight in skeet ball tickets, shot some moose, shopped for clothes (well, just a tie, really...), rolled some slots, saw a world wonder, won some money, watched a man with too much cash and no sense of "the odds" get wrecked in Blackjack, got married*, three cheers-ed FS for winning $450 on her mad skillz, and ate a quarter pounder with cheese meal in a mini van with a bunch of goofs.

Fantastic with knobs.

*lie.

I Heart Math

Those of you who know me, and who know me well, know that I heart math.

I lurve it. In high school, I was in the math club. During lunch, we solved complex trig equations. Since then, I've striven to incorporate finite into my daily routines. You'll often find me doodling calculus problems on the side of my meeting agendas. I'm constantly calculating my percentages (if I receive 64 emails a day, and I'm walking 5,000 steps per 8 hour time block, and the train is travelling at 75km per hour over a distance of 89km, how many words can I type a minute?). I dream of perfect cubes and cones, and my life goal is to one day solve the hypergeometric differential equation. I am a raving math lunatic.

Those of you who know me, and who know me well, know that I am completely lying.

Math is gross. That's why I'm taking a continuing education art class, and not a continuing education MATH CLASS.

So when I walk into my ART class, and "Sit and See" starts talking about the axis and circumference of a circle, and the drawing of a parallelogram, I almost shat.

"I'm sorry... Did you say 'circumference'?"

*looks around*
*looks over shoulder*
*shifty eyes*
*mouth hangs open*

"Ohmagawd. You're SERIOUS?"

W. T. F.

I swear, my ears started bleeding.

Damn you, dad!
DAMN YOU FOR TELLING ME MATH WAS IN EVERYTHING!
DAMN YOU FOR BEING RIGHT!

*pant pant pant*

Maybe I really am a raving math lunatic...?

Poll Time:

I've already polled Pants, but I'd like my other muchacho's opinion:

What are your thoughts on people who use the word "hamburg" as opposed to "hamburgers"?

For example:

"Last night, after work, I was too tired to cook dinner so I got Dan to barbecue some hot dogs and hamburgers."

VS.

"Last night, after work, I was too tired to cook dinner so I got Dan to barbecue some hot dogs and hamburgs."

You see the difference? Hmm? Do ya?

Personally, I want to punch the later in the face.

Ode to a Nubbin

I loath the nubbin that forms around the top of the toothpaste tube. Someday, I will be the type of girl who remembers to close the cap, thus avoiding the dreaded nub.

Someday.

Haiku for Everyday Life

1. For eating pizza:

Peperoni, cheese.
Warm and greasy, puffy crust.
You make me chubby.

2. For laundry:

Large load, extra soap.
White tee, white undies, white shirt.
Pink! Damn you red sock.

3. For the kid who lives on my street who plays road hockey at 8:00 am when I'm trying to sleep in:

Quit it with that ball!
Why are you such an @sshole?
Sure, go tell your mom.

4. For using the self check-out at Fo'tinos:

Scan my bag of chips.
I did put it in the bag!
This machine is dumb.

5. For when I think my car might be a Transformer:

Is that my Yaris?
Walking around, robot style?
More than meets the eye.

(Okay, that last one maybe isn't an "everyday life" Haiku...)

I'll shall call her Squishy, and she shall be my Squishy

As you may or may not know, I'm a cat fan. I like kitties. Mostly any kind of kitty, with the exception of this one Siamese cat that belonged to my friend Leigh-Anne in elementary school who gave me the complete heebie-jeebies. But that's another story.

So, first there was Mittens, and then Hobbes and Goose (and then just Goose...). And of course my nephew, Stanley. And always and forever Gherkin...

Eventually, however. EVENTUALLY. I will branch out, and expand my pet horizons. Specifically, I will expand my horizons to one Doctor Leon Snuggles. Snuggs, for short. Snug the pug. But again, that's a different story.

Getting me hands on a chubby pug was never more of a priority than today. When I met...

.. Stella:

Stella is the Beef's new puppy. She's 7 weeks old. She has ears that feel like shammy's. She has a pink tummy. She has feet the size of dinner plates. She grunts like a piggy when she's sleeping. She snuggles. She smells like yummy. She has soft, soft fur. She's warm. She likes to cuddle. She does this funny hop-jump thing when she runs. She's already destroyed one of her toys. She has difficulty drinking from a bowl. She comes when you call her. She can fetch her wee kong and bring it back for you. She's afraid of a camera flash. And she's very, very difficult not to continuously hug and squish.

Dr. Snuggles, here I come. Either that, or the Beefs are going to get sick of me.

eBay

So I was on eBay, and I was looking for a white leather Michael Jackson purse (don't ask... and Beef, if you reading this, they're impossible to find, so I won't be getting you a replacement purse for Christmas...) But I digress.

I was on eBay, and I was looking for this purse, and as you can imagine, I came across some pretty ridiculous things. And it inspired me to pull my own version of Jay Leno's sketch and look for funny things on eBay (besides white leather Michael Jackson purses...)

Item #1: Ladies Ugly Christmas Holiday Sweater ($6.47)

"This colorful Christmas holiday sweater would be a nice one to wear to the upcoming ugly Christmas sweater parties, or it would just be nice to wear during the holidays."

I put a bid in on this one for Lady G's annual Christmas party.

Item #2: My Neighbor Totoro Plush Doll Toilet Paper Roll Holder ($7.99)

"Brand new Totoro makes a great gift! This plush My Neighbor Totoro makes gift giving a real treat. With soft Totoro fur doll and plush tree doll to enclose your toilet tissue paper roll inside. It's great to place on your desk or car. Cute and nicer way for hold regular the paper roll."

I'm pretty pumped people are coming up with new and inventive ways for me to keep an extra roll of toilet paper inconspicuously stored on my desk.

Item #3: Temptation Island , TV Soundtrack Cd ($0.85)

I actually already own this. It's basically three hours of mellow music with random theatrics interspersed throughout, like *dum dum duuuuuuuuuum!!!* where you're supposed to envision some dude scamming on some other dude's girlfriend, all tropical island styles.

Item #4: Getting Kick Out By Girlfriend Mystery Auction ($1.00)

...

...

WTF?

Item #5: Saco de Toro - Authentic Bull Scrotum, Bullie Bag ($24.99)

"Very unique and absolutely bizarre but a must for your collection. Chihuahua Bullie Bag. Saco de Toro, genuine bull scrotum from an very, large bull. Bullie bag has been preserved and has been outfitted with a leather cord for hanging. Great for hanging dried flowers or just stuff. A conversation piece. No two alike. This one is LARGE and white and VERY HAIRY and defined. Measuring 4" high, 14" around and very hairy. Some customers have filled these with pecans to give as a gift 'nut bag'."


Christmas is coming, you guys. Only 40 days. Make sure to get in on some of these hot deals.

Buffalo Bills

Fingers is going to Buffalo for the Bills vs. Patriots game in a few weeks. So, being a studious little Fingers, she did some research into the event (how very unlike her, I know, right?) But she literally stumbled upon a blogging gold mine.

There are TWO frequently asked questions on the Buffalo Bills website.

1. Can we take a tour of Ralph Wilson Stadium?
Due to construction within the stadium, tours are unavailable at this time.

2. Can we take wedding photos at or in Ralph Wilson Stadium?
You are welcome to take wedding photos from the parking lot of Ralph Wilson Stadium, with the Stadium as your back drop. Unfortunately, due to event schedules, we cannot provide access to the inside of the stadium or field at this time.

WTF?!

Um... Does anyone else see an issue with the fact that SO MANY PEOPLE were asking to take their wedding photos at Ralph Wilson Stadium, that they had to make their response to this question one of only two possible F.A.Q.?

I can't write sh*t better than this. This writes itself.

Open Call

Consider this your open call.

From December 29th, 2007 to January 5th, 2008 I will be vacationing somewhere Caribbean (pronounced Care-a-be-in, or Ca-rib-e-in, your choice). I invite all y'all to come with me.

Forewarning:

I will be horizontal for most of it (in a lounge chair... get your mind out of the gutter...)

I will be lubed up (with suntan lotion... get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER...)

I will rarely get my nose out of my book.

I will have my mouth hanging open people watching for the rest of it.

I will have a drink in my hand regardless of my position or activity.

I will eat only *pineapple and french fries.

I will buy crappy souvenirs and pukka shell necklaces that I will regret.

I will dance mindlessly into the wee hours of the night at something the resort brochures will call a "disco" but what we really know is just a room with a Cuban/Dominican/Mexican man playing the same 5 CDs over and over.

I have no idea where I'm going. But I know it will be Southern, all inclusive, booked last minute, flight out of Toronto, 4+ star, for less than $800. If you're with me, let me know, and I'll send you the details when I have them. All are welcome, you just need to be prepared to book the trip yourself.

*Pineapples do not grow out of the ground like a tuber.

Susan Juby, et al.

I can't believe I forgot to tell you!

Last Thursday Susan Juby--author of Alice I Think, Miss. Smithers, and Alice McLeod: Realist at Last--was at the library on an author visit. I took it upon myself, as a responsible librarian interested in all forms of professional development *ahem*, to sit in on the grade eight presentation.

Ohmygod. This woman is hilarious, and honestly deserves every last bit of goodness that comes to her! Sleeves, you should know, she was rejected from every known Canadian publisher before eventually getting her first book published. And now look at her?! She even owns her own dressage horse. It's true. She does. And she signed my book *blush*

Other than that, I purchased an entirely new wardrobe on Saturday, in the span of about an hour: three sweaters, two button down shirts, three pairs of pants, a tank top, and a pair of kick butters shoes.

And I'm reading a new book! I have been completely turned off reading as of late, but I'm totally engrossed in The Virgin Blue, by the same author of The Girl with the Pearl Earring. I don't know why this one caught me, because for all intensive purposes it's not my kind of book, but there's something deceptively not boring about it (if that makes sense), regardless of the fact that nothing is actually happening in it...

I'm addicted to James Brown's song, Sex Machine.

And finally, I'm excited to say... I've started apartment hunting... Gah!

Halloween 2007, cont.

The saga continues, this time to the less favorable side.

(However, I do believe I should make note of the super kick butters punkins I carved, don't you? You'll note it's a big @ss punkin, with a wicked grin, eating a much smaller version of itself, who in turn is mucho frowning over the state of his being eaten...)

*ahem*

It pains me to admit this, but the kids this year were super rotten. I know, right? I could almost hear your collective "gasp!", but it's true. As per usual, Papa and I were prepared to take to the stairs, along with our punkins, and candy, patiently awaiting the arrival of the little ones. At 5:45, however, three teenage girls came to the door wanting their candy. Now, it's not dark at 5:45. I don't have so much of an issue with teens soliciting for candy, but can't you at least wait for dusk? I mean, the punkin wasn't even lit?!

Another little girl actually "eeeew-ed" the candy we gave her, suggesting folks these days "were giving out too many chips..." I couldn't really understand what she was talking about. I mean, she was speaking 8 year-old English, but:

1. I had just given her a handful of gummy body parts and gumball eyeballs. Ne're a cheesie or chip in sight.
2. In the world I live in, there can never be too many chips.

The final straw was the child dressed as Spiderman who refused to make the way up the path to collect candy from our house. Understanding his need to maximize footstep to candy ratio, and to cut him some slack, I offered to walk the candy down the path. "No" he says. "I don't want it." His mother tried to smooth it over by smiling and fussing with his costume. I then kindly offered to leave it at the end of the path for him. "I don't want any candy from your house." he says. "Fine," I said.

Jerk...

Sniff... I'll eat the damn gumballs.

Anyone else got a story to tell? Hmm?